Survivor: Scranton
by Freakygreeneyes
Summary: Dwight decides to send in a audition tape for Survivor, and of course Jim and Pam want to help.
1. Chapter 1

-1Pam walked into the office at 9:10 AM, grumpy and tired. Roy had come in late the night before, drunk off his ass. When she had fended off his clumsy attempts to have sex with her, he had gotten angry and started screaming. She hadn't gotten to sleep until three in the morning, and this morning the neighbors had asked her if she wouldn't mind "keeping her problems to herself."

As a result of last night's mess, Pam's shirt was wrinkled, she hadn't gotten a chance to take a shower and she hadn't been able to find her comfortable shoes, so she had to wear the ones that pinched her toes horribly. _This day is already awful and it's not even ten yet,_ she thought, utterly miserable.

She hung her coat on the coat rack and tossed her purse beneath her desk. Just as she was about to sit down and listen to the messages, Jim came running out of the break room. The only word to describe the look on his face was utter joy.

He ran straight into her desk, his hands splayed on its surface. He leaned forward eagerly, grinning at her, but his smile dimmed when he saw the look on her face. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked.

Pam sighed. "Long night." She felt suddenly better though, seeing how Jim had immediately known something was wrong and that he cared.

He grinned again. "I have something to totally cure that," he assured her.

Pam recognized that mischievous glint in his eyes and the smirk that tugged at the corners of his mouth. "What did Michael do today?"

"Not Michael, Dwight. You, you -- just come see." He grabbed her hand and led her towards the break room.

Inside the break room, Dwight was sitting in front of the wall where they had gotten their picture IDs taken. "Where'd you go, Jim?" he asked angrily. "You know I require complete and utter devotion to this project."

"Oh, yeah, yeah," Jim agreed quickly. "Just, uh, I think Pam wants to help out, too. Why don't you tell her what you have planned?"

Dwight looked at Pam intensely. "I have decided that I am going to be the next _Survivor_ champion, and we are filming my audition video. I asked Michael to help, but he refused, and Jim volunteered. Fairly quickly, actually…" Dwight looked at Jim suspiciously. It was obvious he didn't trust Jim's motives.

Pam looked at Jim, her face full of delight. She had already forgotten everything about the night before. The day was too full of new opportunities to mock Dwight. Who cared about Roy?

"I _know_," Jim whispered to Pam, his voice soft with awe. His eyes widened at her.

She quickly turned back to look at Dwight. "So, uh, what are you guys working on now?" Pam asked, her hands folded innocently behind her.

"We _were _doing the interview portion before you interrupted," Dwight said, gesturing towards the video camera that lay abandoned on the table.

"Oh, okay, I'm sorry. Please, continue," she encouraged. She had to fight so hard not to smile!

Jim grabbed the video camera and sat down, resting his elbows on his knees. "Okay, Dwight," he said, "where do you want to pick up?"

Dwight sighed, obviously tortured by having to deal with such incompetence. "Let's just start from the top," he said, turning to face the camera dead on. He closed his eyes for a moment, composing himself. His eyes opened suddenly, and he said, "Go."

Jim pressed the red recording button, and gave a thumbs up. Pam pulled up a chair next to Jim. _You couldn't pay for this kind of entertainment!_ she thought gleefully.

"Hello, **ABC**. My name is Dwight Kurt Schrute, and I would be the ultimate competitor on your high-intensity reality show, _Survivor_. I am trained in three different types of martial arts, I have a superior immune system, I was a volunteer forest ranger as a child and I can go for three weeks without water."

"That's impossible," Jim said.

"What?"

"You can't survive without water for three weeks."

"Maybe _you_ can't," Dwight sniffed, "_I_ can."

"Oh, okay," Jim smiled, giving a look to the cameras that watched them from outside the break room.

"Why don't you tell **ABC **about where you work, Dwight?" Pam suggested.

Dwight turned back to the handheld camera. "I work at the Pennsylvania-based paper company, Dunder-Mifflin, only the best paper company in the _country_."

"What, uh, what position do you hold in this company?" Pam asked, and Jim fought a smile. He knew where she was going with this.

Dwight puffed out his chest proudly. "I am the Assistant Regional Manager of the Scranton branch."

"Don't you mean 'Assistant _to the _Regional Manager'?" Jim asked, the picture of innocence.

"No, Jim, just _shut up_." Dwight hissed, narrowing his eyes.

Kevin walked into the break room, holding some change in his hand. He was about to head over to the vending machine when he saw the others. "Hey, guys," he said, "what's going on?"

"We're filming Dwight's audition video for _Survivor_," Pam said.

Kevin's eyes widened. "_Cool_."

"Um, guys?" Dwight spoke as if talking to someone much stupider than he was. "Can we focus for _ten minutes_ on my interview? I haven't even started talking about my weapons training."

"Hey -- hey Dwight, do you want me to say something, like, you know, as a recommendation?" Jim said, trying to hide the hope in his voice.

Dwight frowned, scrutinizing Jim. "Do you _promise_ to not pull any pranks?"

Jim nodded enthusiastically.

"Fine," Dwight sighed.

Jim shot out of his seat, handing the camera off to Pam. Her mouth was starting to hurt from trying to keep a straight face. Jim settled himself in the chair in front of the wall, straightening his tie and crossing his legs.

Pam held up the camera. "And…action!"

Jim leaned forward, resting his elbow on his knee. "'allo, moi name is James 'alpert."

Pam almost lost it at his horrible, fake British accent. Well, she thought he was trying for British. _He sounds like an Australian pirate or something! _she thought helplessly,shaking her head. She swallowed and took a deep breath. "How do you know Dwight, Mr. Halpert?"

Jim stared off into the distance with great concentration. "Now let me see," he pondered, "it must be goin' on 'bout fifteen years now. Oi met Dwight Schrute when we was trainin' for th' Olympics. "

Dwight looked nervously between Jim and the camera that Pam held. "Jim…Jim!" he hissed, uncomfortable with such a blatant lie.

Jim just looked at Dwight and chuckled. "Oh, Dwighty! Bloody hell, 'ee's the most modest bugger there is, oi swear! There's nobodies who'll toss yer salad like Dwight Schrute!"

"Oh --!" Pam choked, clapping a hand over her mouth. She had forgotten about Kevin, standing in the corner, until he began to snicker loudly. Her shoulders shook silently, as Jim gave them both a look.

Dwight glared at her, baring his teeth. "What -- what is it, what does that mean?"

Pam composed herself. "It, uh --" she coughed, "it means that um, when you -- you 'toss somebody's salad' that you've, like, got their back. You're, uh, good for them in a fight."

Jim smiled at her, and winked. Dwight still looked suspicious, but he accepted her answer. "Continue," he said to Jim.

"That's, er, that's Dwight Schrute that is! Yeh know, when you're in a tight spot, nobodies will get behind yeh like Dwighty. But, uh, 'ee can get nasty, 'ee can, when 'ee needs too. Oi swear, 'e'll just wrestle, a -- a snake for fun!"

Pam's eyes watered, and she bit her hand to keep from cracking up. Kevin giggled and Jim's chin was quivering as he tried to keep his own cool. Dwight was just nodding at Jim approvingly and Pam guessed that Dwight liked what he was hearing.

Pam knew that today was going to be a great day.


	2. Chapter 2

-1"You know what, Dwight?" Jim said, turning off the camera. "I think, it'll be more effective if you _show_ the Survivor producers what you can do instead of just telling them."

"Shut up, Jim," Dwight said quickly. He stood and began pacing, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "You know," he said, "I just need to _show_ these people what I can do."

Jim rolled his eyes behind Dwight's back, and Pam stifled a giggle. "You know what would be really cool, Dwight?" she said, "On _Survivor_, you have to complete challenges right?"

Dwight nodded slowly.

"Well, okay, me and Jim could set up a bunch of challenges for you to complete, then we could film you doing them. So then the **ABC** people can really see you in action."

Dwight frowned. "You would do that?" he asked.

"Sure!" Pam said. "I think you'd be really great on that show."

Dwight allowed himself a small smile. "Okay," he said. Then the smile disappeared. "But you should begin preparing the trials now."

"Can I help?" Kevin asked after a moment.

"No," said Dwight, turning to leave of the room.

"Wait, Dwight, hold up," Jim said. Dwight turned around. "To, uh, make sure that this is as challenging as possible for you, how about we hold the trials during lunch tomorrow? That way everyone can cheer you on."

Dwight nodded slowly. "Fine, just get going." With that, he left the room.

Jim turned to Pam, grinning. "I don't even know what to do!" Jim said. "There -- there are just so many possibilities…I feel dizzy!"

"You heard Dwight," Pam said seriously. "We better get to work, and I believe that some inspirational _Survivor_ DVD seasons are calling out names."

"You got it, Beesly."

Xxxx

Luckily it was beautiful outside the next day as Jim and Pam led Dwight and some of their coworkers across the street. Dwight was dressed in combat boots and fatigues (courtesy of the nearby Army/Navy store) and was bouncing from toe to toe, his breath coming in sharp puffs.

Jim turned and trained the small, handheld camera on Dwight's face as they walked towards the park. "So, Dwight," he asked, pressing the recording button, "how are you feeling this morning?"

"Good… strong," Dwight said, narrowing his eyes and stretching as he twisted his torso from side to side, almost hitting Oscar. Pam saw Angela out of the corner of her eye, looking Dwight up and down and all but licking her lips. Pam was torn between being happy for them and being incredibly creeped out. It was nice that they had found each other, as it seemed unlikely that they would ever find anyone else. However, thinking about them… _together_ kind of made her shudder.

"All right, everyone, gather up," Jim said loudly, handing the camera over to Pam. The office workers formed a rough semi-circle around Jim, looking around. Stanley had obviously opted to stay inside and Michael had a meeting in New York at Corporate, but everyone else had come outside to watch.

"Okay guys," Jim began, rubbing his palms together. "Today, we are all here for Dwight, to support him in his efforts to appear on _Survivor_. Let's all give him a hand."

People began to clap half-heartedly, but Dwight quickly interrupted them. "Thanks, Jim," he said sarcastically, "but I don't need your support. Where are the challenges?"

Jim raised his eyebrows. "Ooo-kay, well, obviously you're ready and rearin' to go, so we'll get started. Right over here."

Jim led the group over to the neglected jungle gym that stood near the corner of the park. The frame had been wrapped in green streamers Pam had bought at CVS, with some hanging down from the monkey bars like vines. Beneath the connected slide was Jim's battered boom box, which was currently playing the "Sounds of the Rainforest" CD his brother had bought him as a gag a few years ago. At the bottom of the slide, they had set up a kiddy pool imprinted with characters from _The Lion King_ (Jim had found it in the depths of his parents' garage).

Pam held up the camera and slowly panned over the jungle gym (Jim must have made at least twenty bad jokes about how "now it really _is_ a jungle gym!"), smiling proudly. It looked exactly as they had pictured: absolutely ridiculous.

It seemed Dwight was not as impressed. "Are you guys _kidding _me?" he snorted. "This is a _child's_ playground. _I _am a grown man. This is insulting."

"Oh, foolish Dwight!" Jim chuckled. "Your task is more difficult than it seems. It is true, for this obstacle course, you must cross the monkey bars, climb across the swings, through the fort, down the slide and cross the piranha-ridden pool, all without touching the ground, but it isn't as easy as it looks. A true Survivor has to take care of their teammates. Angela? Bring out the teammates."

Everyone turned to Angela, their gazes curious. Angela looked to Pam, wringing her hands. Pam suddenly felt a pang of guilt at the obvious worry in Angela's eyes.

She pulled Angela aside. "Are you okay with this, Angela?"

"It's just…" Angela looked down at her hands. "They're only five months old…"

Pam clasped Angela's hands in her own. _This is pretty uncomfortable…_ she thought, but she kept her voice soothing. "Angela, don't you trust Dwight?"

"Yes, of course, but --"

"Then don't worry," Pam said. "He knows what he's doing."

Angela sighed. "Okay," she muttered nervously as she turned and walked briskly to her car. When she came back, she was pushing a small baby pram.

Jim looked at Pam disbelievingly until he heard the soft meows coming from the carriage. "Good lord, I thought she actually had a baby in there…" he muttered, low enough that only Pam and Toby heard him and they both snickered.

"So, Dwight," Jim said, "these are the helpless, innocent civilians that you must save! You must cross the obstacle course, retrieve a kitten from Angela -- and only one kitten per run -- and bring it back to Pam, all within 8 minutes."

"You didn't tell me that there was water involved… my babies hate water…" Angela whimpered, and Pam patted her back awkwardly.

"Don't worry, Angela," Dwight said stiffly, rolling up his sleeves. "Our-- er -- _your_ babies are safe with me."

"Okay, Dwight, are you ready?" Jim asked.

"I was born ready," Dwight replied, jogging in place and bringing his knees up to his chest.

"Take your places!" Jim called out to no one in particular. Dwight ran to one end of the monkey bars and lowered himself into a sprinter's lunge. Angela pushed the baby pram full of kittens to the kiddie pool at the end of the slide and Pam walked over to the slide, hitting the 'next' button on the CD player. Now, instead of jungle sounds it was playing Motley Crue's _Kick Start My Heart. _Satisfied, she walked over to stand next to Dwight as Jim pulled Dwight's stopwatch out of his pocket.

"Ready…" Jim called out.

Dwight shifted his head side to side, stretching his neck.

"Set…"

Dwight's muscles tensed.

"_GO!_"

xxxx

AN: EW, I HATE REVIEWS!!! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE _ANY_!!!!

Just kidding. Please leave reviews. Please.


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